Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
