Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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