I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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