when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
