sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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