I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
