She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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