I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
