she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
