the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
