after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
