The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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