You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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