seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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