i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
