What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
