my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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