the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
