I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
