she was so not down for the gang bang
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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