Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
