I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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