saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
