this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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