once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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