These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
