I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
