Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize