i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
