I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
