my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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