Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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