dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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