I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
