Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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