he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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