Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
