Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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