Your face is a jimmy john
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize