just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
