I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
