Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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