Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
