I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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