Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Blood and glitter go together right?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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