I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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