you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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