btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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