My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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