omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
