dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
