Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
