Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
