The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
