fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
