Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
