Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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