i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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