Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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