my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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